Choosing ‘writer’ from the drop-down list of professions when I came to fill in my profile was a decision I would come to regret. It seemed to bring out the very worst in my French suitors. My inbox slowly filled up with long-winded, flowery emails and even a few cringe-inducing poems. Admitting that I was British was another titbit of information that, with hindsight, I rather wished I’d held back. Inundated with stilted messages in broken English, I began to suspect many of their authors were looking for free language tutoring.

‘You wouldn’t believe some of the corny messages I’ve been getting,’ I lamented to a good friend over drinks one evening. ‘I mean, no self-respecting British guy would say he thought he’d “caught sight of an angel” when he first saw my profile photo.’ .

‘Perhaps you should be more pro-active?’ my friend suggested. ‘Ignore the unwanted incoming stuff and make the first move. Then you can approach people you like the sound of.’ .

‘I think you may be right,’ I conceded. ‘And I’m toying with the idea of putting an English mother tongue filter on my searches from now on. With most of the Frenchmen I chat to online, my sense of humour seems to get lost in translation.’ .

‘Well, you could,’ my friend replied doubtfully. ‘But there can’t be that many expat members. Wouldn’t you be limiting yourself, somewhat?’ .

I was combing idly through the members (both French and English) listed in my neighbourhood one evening when I stumbled across a profile description that brought a smile to my face. Using the hackneyed ‘j’aime/j’aime pas‘ format wasn’t wildly original, but the list of things ‘selavy’ professed to like were random and playful and my interest was well and truly piqued. .

Among them featured, in no particular order: penguins and otters, bananas flambéed with rum, scallops, bad jokes, magic, history books, listening to the rain fall when snug indoors and sleeping late’. His profile photo wasn’t half bad, either. It wasn’t one of those bare-chested holiday snaps with a sucked in stomach that had become one of my pet hates. Instead, he’d used a simple self-portrait and wore a slightly bemused expression. He was only 29 - a full five years younger than me – and I had my reservations about that, as I have a daughter and had set my sights on finding someone mature enough not to find my single motherhood an instant turn-off. But I decided to drop him a line all the same, suggesting we meet for a drink in a local bar sometime. At worst, I thought to myself, maybe I’d end up with a new friend in the neighbourhood. .

A little over two years later we’ve just celebrated our first wedding anniversary and are expecting a baby boy in the autumn. I’ve witnessed the bad jokes firsthand, adopted him an otter for his Valentine’s day gift and marvelled at his ability to sleep through just about anything. .

This week I think I’ll add ‘rum’ to my shopping list. I think it’s about time I tasted those bananas….

Catherine Sanderson is the author of French Kissing out now in Penguin Books.

..

My friend Sean thought his date went well—she laughed at his jokes, ordered dessert, and even asked him up to her place for a midnight make-out session. But it’s been over a week and she hasn’t returned his calls. Sean’s starting to wonder why. Little does he know, the answer’s in his kiss. I should know. I made the mistake of kissing him once.
Plenty of people worry about whether they’re good in bed, but few worry about their skills when it comes to their triple-tongue-swirl maneuvers. So people like Sean are often left questioning what went wrong on a date, even though the reason is quite literally under their noses. Sadly, no one wants to tell anyone they have the kiss of death, which means that unless you’ve been praised for your soft lips or tantalising tongue, someone might be cringing about your not-so-sensual smooches as well. Here’s a cheat sheet of oral offenses, so you can avoid being thought of as a cringe-worthy kisser.

The Vampire Lip-Sucker
When my date Andrew first started biting and sucking on my lower lip, I tried to redirect the kiss by going for his upper lip. But when he kept doing it and my lip began to throb, I pulled away with a not-so subtle, “Ow.” He didn’t take the hint and with each tug, my lip grew rawer. The next day, at a family barbecue, everyone wondered why I had a purple lower lip.
Sure, a soft bite on the lip can be a turn on, but 10 in a row can leave your date looking like she got punched in the mouth. The first sign of a bad kisser is the inability to respond to feedback (sorry, Andrew; it’s true). If you’re not getting a positive response, don’t be afraid to stray from a move that you thought worked on someone else. Bad kissers often make the mistake of hoping you’ll grow to like whatever weird thing they’re doing. This almost never works and almost always leaves your lover bemoaning your inexperience.

The Speed Racer
Another common attribute of a bad kisser is out-of-sync kisses that don’t match the other person’s rhythm. Just as relationships are about finding a happy medium, kissers should try to conform to a mutual speed. The one time I kissed Sean, he threw on a Prodigy album, and then proceeded to kiss me faster than the driving techno beat. When he wouldn’t slow down, I politely grooved my way right out his door.

I have a tongue, too, thank you
Tom was a good-looking, smart guy who played guitar and opened every door for me, but he also had a knack for filling my entire mouth with his imperialistic tongue, which completely crushed mine as it recklessly reached for my tonsils. No matter what I did, I couldn’t remove it, mostly because my own tongue seemed to have disappeared.

Lots of oral offenders’ tongues make the mistake of setting up permanent residence in their dates’ mouths. The tongue should be about playful give and take: Tease, then pull back. If that gets a positive response, venture a little further, but never leave your date thinking, “What the heck happened to my tongue?” or “Red alert: Suffocation setting in!”

Mr. Hoover
Mr. Hoover is the opposite of the previous smoocher—he likes to suck your tongue right out of your mouth and hold onto it. If your date’s entire head is unwillingly following yours because you’re holding her tongue hostage, that’s probably not a good thing. Tongue suction is tricky. Unless you know exactly the amount of suction to exert and the duration to hold your partner’s tongue captive (Hint: it’s not five minutes), you’re treading into Bad Kisser Land.

The Cheek-Licker
Licking or lapping your date’s cheek will leave him or her either (a) grossed out or (b) laughing. Licking people’s faces isn’t hot. (I don’t care if your girlfriend at school loved it; she was one in a million, maybe 100 million.) When it comes to kissing, the tongue should make contact with two — and only two — places above the shoulders besides the mouth—the neck and the ear. But if you shoot for these erogenous zones, don’t overdo it.

Ladies, you can be bad, too
From the above, you may get the impression that I think only guys can be bad smoochers. Not at all! Though men get all the bad press for not caring about kissing, many guys like it and expect some creativity… and are disappointed by what the women they date dish out. “I’ve been with women who are repetitive kissers—they kiss with the same motion over and over again,” complained one male friend. “It’s like you’re on a four-second loop but you can’t break it.”
My male friends’ most important piece of advice—kiss like you mean it. “A heartless kiss makes for bad kissing,” explained another guy friend. It feels like she doesn’t want to be kissing you, he said, “and that’s really annoying.”

So, ladies and gentleman, realise that if your date kisses you once and doesn’t want to continue, it may well be for a reason. And it usually has nothing to do with your GCSE results. Kissing is one of the biggest deal-breakers in early dating, so drop the misguided moves or your dates will drop you. Here’s an added incentive—good kissing can make other faults forgivable. I once went out with a guy who had no car and no job, but soft lips and the most amazing kiss. We dated happily for a while… until he dumped me. Oh, well. A good kiss can’t compensate for everything. ..